The Father

The Father

By Gryffgirl


Evelyn stood quietly at the threshold of the study, watching her husband pore over his books.  She dreaded approaching him, yet saw no other way out of the situation.  

"Just tell him.  Stop being such a sodding coward!"  The inner voice had been nagging her for two days, ever since her sister had extended the invitation.  

Evelyn did not feel very brave.  Soren's birth had changed their lives in a manner which neither one of them could have forseen.  He had been a surprise.  Severus had not wanted a baby.  Her pregnancy had been marred by quarrels between the two of them which were so hurtful and mentally exhausting that she had done the unthinkable.  She had left her husband.  The separation had caused her anguish, guilt and anger, not only at her husband, but also at her mother who had surprisingly sided with Severus during the separation.  

"A good wife belongs with her husband."  They had reconciled.  It had been slow and painful, but she felt the hurt and remorse in Severus' voice when he told her that he loved her and that yes, that love would extend to being a father as well.  She had no doubt that he loved Soren.  However ever since the birth of their son, Severus had become a shadowy presence in the home.  He did not assist in caring for the baby.  He would not change or bathe him, and seemed stiff and awkward when he held Soren on his lap.  He did not wake up for the late night feedings.
  
"I certainly can't nurse him!" he snapped when Evelyn asked if he would help her.

Evelyn felt dazed and tired.  She loved Soren, but he was not an easy baby.  At her age it would have been a comfort to have a quiet, docile baby, a baby who would take peaceful naps, nurse in comfort and sleep through the night.  Soren was not that baby.  He screamed prior to feedings out of hunger and—dare she say it—impatience.  He cried after feedings because he fed too fast and either would not or could not burp.  He raged when he soiled his nappies.  He was an infrequent napper who would not conform to a schedule and took very short naps when he finally did manage to fall asleep.  Most of the time he was awake, taking the world in with dark, serious eyes.  Her sister, Catilin, joked that he was afraid of missing something.  How right she was!

"Severus?"

"Yes?"  He looked up from his book.  What was he reading?  Potions?  History?  Evelyn was curious.  It had been so long since she had picked up a book that wasn't about childcare.

"I spoke with Caitlin the other day.  She's coming to visit."

"That will be good."

"She isn't coming to the house."  Evelyn hesitated and then went on "She is only passing through.  She's visiting friends in London and decided to stop in Cokeworth on Saturday before returning to Ireland.  She asked me to spend the day with her."

"She must have been disappointed when you told her that you couldn't."

"As a matter of fact, she was delighted when I said that I would!" Evelyn tartly replied.  "I will be meeting her in town—she has tickets for the theater.  We'll be going to dinner afterwards."

Severus stared at his wife.  His left brow arched and his mouth became a thin line.

"What about Soren?"

"Soren will be fine with you.  Really, Severus, it will only be one day!"

"I was not consulted."

"I did not need to consult you!"  Evelyn replied fiercely.  "You have no plans on Saturday!  I've been nursing him, washing his clothes and walking the floor with him at all hours of the night when he cannot sleep!  I believe that a day in the city would be good for me!  Also, a day with your son would be good for both of you!"  

She glared at him, defying him to answer back.  His mouth became thinner and he removed his glasses, rubbing hard at his eyes.

"Very well.   Just return in time to put him to bed."

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"What is it that you want?"

Severus stared in anger and frustration at Soren, whose tiny face was turning blue from the loud, prolonged crying session.  Twenty-five minutes.  Merlin's beard, that must be a new record for him.  Ever since Evelyn had left that afternoon Soren had decided that it would not be a quiet day.  He cried when his mother left and would not be comforted.  He refused to take a nap.  He stiffened and arched his back, screaming when Severus tried to hold him on his lap.  He thrashed about when his nappy was being changed and promptly soiled himself once Severus had managed to wrestle him into a clean one.  He refused to drink from the bottle.  

"Soren Prince Snape, I've been around difficult children throughout my life, but you are currently in contention with Harry Potter for the title of annoying, recalcitrant brat!"

That did it.  At the mention of the name "Potter" Soren  let out a piercing scream that would have put Pomona Sprout's mandrakes to shame.  

Mandrakes!  That was it!  Severus placed the screaming baby in his crib and began rummaging around in the bottom drawer of his desk.  It was the junk drawer where he kept objects that he planned on trashing, but for one reason or another never got around to the task of cleaning it out.  Old potions formulas scribbled on scraps of paper, odd objects from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes that he had confiscated from students, and –yes—a pair of earmuffs that Pomona had given to him when he had assisted her in potting mandrakes in preparation for one of his potions.

The magical earmuffs immediately muffled the baby's screams.  That was better.  Now he could think in peace.  Soren was obviously hungry, but he cried and swatted the bottle away when Severus tried to feed him.  Evelyn had pumped several bottles of milk for him, all sitting untouched.   The boy was clearly hungry, but refused to have the glass bottle and hard rubber nipple come anywhere near his face.

Aha!  Severus smiled and picked up his weeping son.  He grabbed a bottle and sat down in Evelyn's nursing rocker.  

"I believe that a simple transfiguration spell will make this experience more pleasant for both of us."  Severus waved his wand over the bottle, which became rounder, softer and more pliable.  Soren stopped crying and hungrily sucked on the "breast bottle."  

"Good boy.  Can't say that I blame you for preferring this one over the other one."  

Soren finished drinking and yawned.  He was sleepy, but Severus could tell by the constant blinking of his eyes that the baby was fighting off sleep.  He gently rose from the chair.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Soren yelled, flailing his tiny arms at the chair.  What was it that he wanted?  Severus noticed a small, cotton tube protruding from the cushion.  He pulled out a stuffed cloth snake which Minerva had given to Soren when she visited.  Had that been a joke?  Severus was not certain, but Soren could not sleep without it and clutched it fiercely.

"Don't worry, Soren.  I've found Seesa."

Seesa!  Is that what he had called the plushie?  A flood of memory overwhelmed Severus.  Seesa, a stuffed sock snake that had been made for him by his mother.  He remembered his father tearing it out of his tiny toddler hands, the tears and feelings of loss and panic, his mother restraining and comforting him as he heard his father clanging the ashcan lids outside…

Severus angrily shook his head to dispel the memory.  He looked down at Soren who was staring at him.  Severus could not remember his father picking him up, hugging him or speaking kind words to him.  He had no memories of Tobias reading to him or playing with him.  At the best of times his father ignored him. As for all of the other times—no.   Severus did not want to think of the other times.  

"I am not my father.  You are not me," he said gently to Soren.  "We will spend a lot of good moments together.  Moments like this one.  I am sorry that we did not get started on them sooner."

Severus carried the drowsy baby upstairs.  He surveyed the rows of books on the bookshelf in the nursery.  Pooh, Mother Goose—God, who had filled the house with these insipid muggle books?  

"I believe that you are intelligent enough to appreciate this one."  Severus found an old potions book that had inadvertently been stuck between the picture books.  "Ah, here's a good one.  A simple sleeping potion.  Add four springs of lavender to the mortar…"

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Evelyn fumbled in the bottom of her bag for the house keys.  She had told Severus to call her if there were any problems.  Her phone had not rung all day, but that did not mean that the day had not been problematic.  Severus was not the type of person who asked for help.  To him that was the same as admitting defeat.

Caitlin had planned this for her.  Soren's father needed time with his son.  They needed to be alone with each other.

"Happy children have happy parents," Caitlin had told her over dinner.  "They can sense when things are not well, no matter how young they are.  Severus is afraid, but he will never tell you that.  He is afraid that he will be like his father."

"Severus is not like his father!" Evelyn protested.

"I know.  He has to know that too, and the only way is for him to spend time with Soren.  Alone.   Once they are comfortable with each other, things will be better again between the two of you.  Believe me when I say that things became better for my girls when Sean finally left."

Evelyn's heart pounded as she quietly opened the door.  The house was dark.  She knew that Severus loved Soren and would never hurt him, but she wondered if leaving a stubborn, hard-headed man with a fussy, unyielding baby was a good idea.  She hurried up the stairs to the nursery.

Severus was asleep in the armchair, Soren cradled securely in his arms.  A potions book was splayed open at his feet where he had dropped it.  Soren was clutching his beloved snake plushie, his head resting on his father's chest.  For the first time he seemed to be sleeping peacefully.