In My Life

Part I:  1970- Severus is Ten

"Watch this, Sev!"  Lily stood by the bank of the muddy river which flowed through Cokeworth.  She cupped her hands and scooped up the water.  She puffed a short breath over it, looked up at him and smiled.  The bright sun illuminated her dark red hair and her green eyes sparkled with happy mischief.

"Guess who I am!"  She did a swift pirouette, standing on the toes of her blue trainers.  She momentarily lifted up a few inches into the air, scattering the water into droplets as she turned.  The droplets momentarily transformed into glittering translucent gems which turned back into water as they hit the ground.

Severus stared, transfixed and momentarily struck mute by the vision.

"Well, aren't you going to guess?  Don't you have any idea?"

"I can't say that I do!" he stammered.  

"Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds!  Honestly, Sev, that one should have been easy!  We played that song how many times when you were at my house yesterday?"

"At least ten times," he replied.  He closed his eyes and lay back in the grass.  He did not open them, but he heard and felt Lily lie down next to him.  She smelled of flowers and the small hand that grasped his was as smooth as the skimming stones that they skipped over the river.  His eyes remained closed, but through his eyelids he could see the golden glow of the sun.  He did not want this day to end.

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Part II:  1975- Severus is Fifteen

Severus hunched over the book that was balanced on his knees.  He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, various papers and books strewn over the comforter.  The O.W.L. level exams would begin next week.  Most of his fellow Slytherin dorm mates were in the library or common room in study pairs and groups.  Severus preferred to study alone.  He found the whispers, rustling papers and scratching quills of the other students to be distracting and annoying.  The only person he would study with was Lily.  However over the years she had formed a study group with her Gryffindor friends.  She had told
him that they could still study together, but did not ask him to join the group.  He knew why.  Her friends hated him.  If Lily had in fact suggested that he join them they would have unanimously voted against him.

Severus frowned as he studied his notes.  He had not seen Lily in the past three days and had not had the chance to arrange for a study session.  Now that he thought about it, he had seen little of her in the past two months.  

Severus threw down his quill in frustration.  He could not concentrate, even in an empty dorm room, when his mind was full of distractions.  His eyes rested on an old wind-up gramophone that Anthony Greengrass had brought from home.  Maybe some music would clear his mind.  The boys in the dorm had stacked various records next to the gramophone.  Mostly muggle records, which ironically were more popular than wizard music.

Someone had left a record on the gramophone.  The label was worn off.  How very curious.  Severus wound the crank and carefully lowered the needle down.

I'm looking through you/Where did you go?  
I thought I knew you/What did I know?
You don't look different/But you have changed.
I'm looking through you/You're not the same!

"Who the hell put that one on?"  Severus snatched the record and threw it into the air.  He aimed his wand and shattered it with a hex.

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Part III:  1999  Severus is Thirty-nine, Evelyn is Thirty-six

Evelyn sipped her wine and stared across the table at Severus.  She had been looking forward to a romantic evening all week and had planned it with great care.  She had laid out her mother's linen tablecloth and hand embroidered napkins.  Slender white candles burned in Waterford crystal holders.  She had prepared all of the foods that she loved and hoped that he would like, seeing as he wasn't much of an eater.  She would remedy that!  Any man Evelyn was involved with had to love good food, just as he had to love fine art, books, music and have an interest in history.  

"Why don't we have dessert in the parlor?"she suggested.  Severus nodded and began to pick up the plates.

"Leave those.  We can clean up later."  Or maybe tomorrow morning if things go well.

Evelyn poured two glasses of brandy and set them on a silver tray with an assortment of dark chocolate truffles.  She walked into the parlor to find that Severus had already settled on the sofa.  He was smoking a cigarette and leafing through a book on Celtic art that she had left on the coffee table.  Evelyn frowned at the cigarette.  She hated the fact that he smoked, but found herself transfixed at the way he held the cigarette between his long, tapered fingers.  Along with his dark eyes, she had first been physically attracted to his slender, elegant hands.  Recently she had become acquainted with the lingering touch of them on her body.  She set the tray down in front of him.

"Any preference for music?"

He looked up from the book and snuffed out his cigarette in an empty water glass, as there were no ashtrays in the house.  

"Surprise me."  He smiled his half smile at her.  All right, then.  No classical or opera, like she usually played.  Let's see what his reaction would be to some classic rock.  Evelyn found the CD that she wanted and slid it into the player.  She sat down next to Severus and placed her hand on his knee.

Picture yourself in a boat on the river/With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you/You answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Evelyn felt Severus tense up.  "What's wrong?"

"That music."  He stared at her, his face paler than usual.

"You don't like the Beatles?  They're one of my favorite groups.  I played their albums continuously when I was young.  My friends teased me for liking a group that was so old, but I didn't care.  Their songs speak to me.  I feel like my life is a Beatles album!"

Lucy in the Sky, with diamonds…

"I have to go!" Severus stood up abruptly.  

"Severus!  What is going on?" Evelyn was used to his moods and odd quirks, but had never seen him this agitated.

"I don't feel well.  Good night, Evelyn!"  He bolted for the door.  

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"Severus?  Severus I know that you're home!  Let me in this instant!"

Severus continued to stare at the patch on the wall where the wallpaper had peeled away, exposing the discolored plaster underneath.  He had stared at that same exposed patch as a child, and had never bothered to repair it as an adult.

"Severus Tobias Snape!  Open this door immediately or I shall be forced to use Alohomora!  Then I will deal with you in a fashion that both of us will regret!"

Severus slowly rose from the couch and unlatched the lock.  He opened the door, looked at Minerva and returned to the couch.

"You haven't responded to any of my owls.  You know how I feel about that."  

Severus did not respond.  Although naturally pale, he looked wan and emaciated.  His skin had taken on a waxen, yellow pallor and he had dark bruised circles under his eyes.  His hair hung in greasy strands.  The stale air was close and still, heavy with the scent of cigarette smoke and body odor.

Minerva opened the windows in the parlor and the kitchen.  She cast a simple household charm to rid the air of the foul odors.  She set a kettle of water on the stove and found a tin with some tea left in it.  

"I would imagine that he hasn't eaten in days," Minerva thought as she took out an unopened box of biscuits.  She searched through the cupboard through Severus' stock of practical potions.  Frowning, she assembled the tea tray and brought it in to him.

"You have just about depleted your stock of practical potions.  Really, Severus, I thought that you of all people would be more careful about that!  Here, drink some tea."

Severus took the cup from her, but did not sip from it.  

"Are you ill, Severus?  When we last spoke you said that you were doing better.  The healers said that the outlook was good."

"They were wrong!"  Severus' voice came out as a hoarse rasp.  He pulled away the scarf that he had wrapped around his neck.  The scars left by the snake's fangs, which had healed into shiny white streaks against his skin were raised.  They were a hideous purplish-red color, puffy and ugly.

"Severus!  You've had a relapse!  You must see a healer immediately!"

"No."  Severus said dully.  "I'm beyond the help of any healer."

"That is rubbish, Severus!  Now tell me what has happened?"

"What has happened?"  Severus looked up at Minerva and gave a harsh laugh.  "Oh, I will certainly tell you what has happened."

The words came bursting forth, rushed and unchecked.  His deep love for Lily and his horrible fascination with the Dark Arts.  His failure to see that his interest in black magic was putting a wall between them.  How she would not forgive the insult which finally ended their damaged friendship.  Her love for the boy whom he hated, the boy who had tormented him.  His anguish when the two of them wed, so in love.  Heroes for the just cause, with him on the side of wrong.  The revealing of the prophecy to Voldemort in hopes of winning Lily for himself, her husband and child be damned.  His remorse and confession to Dumbledore, his binding promise.  His agony and guilt when he learned of Lily's death.  His promise to safeguard her son, a boy who looked like his hated foe.  Years of self-isolation.  Years of spying and secret keeping, bending to Dumbledore's will and instructions, powerless to disobey even when he learned of the boy's ultimate fate.   All of it ending on the floor of the Shrieking Shack with the snake's venomous bite.  

"I should have died!"  Severus said bitterly.  He realized that he had been weeping.  

"Yes, you should have.  However you did not."  Severus looked up at Minerva.  Her eyes were neither judgmental nor pitying.  

"That bite did not kill you, Severus.  You wanted to live.  You wanted another chance and you were given one."

"I don't believe that!" he snapped.  "I don't believe in a higher power granting mercy or fate rewarding those who sacrifice with another chance.  I was saved by pure, stupid luck.  I was saved before the venom had a chance to spread throughout my body. " Severus glared at Minerva through his tears.  "I don't deserve a second chance."

"If you believe that stupid and simplistic explanation then you are not the brilliant boy whom I taught!"  Minerva said sharply.  "You are fortunate, Severus!  So few people are given a second chance in life!  I cannot imagine the pain that you went through keeping all of that in all these years."

He looked up at her.  Her eyes were not hard.  They were compassionate.

"Severus, tell me what else is wrong."

"I did something very stupid, Minerva.  The woman who I am seeing—Evelyn—she made dinner for me last weekend.  We were sitting in her parlor and she put some music on and I just…snapped."  He smiled weakly.  "She was playing the Beatles.  Lily loved the Beatles.  The music just brought on too many memories which I wish had stayed buried.  I panicked and ran out."

"Have you spoken to her?"

"No.  What can I say?  I would have to tell her that I am a wizard.  I would have to tell her about all of the terrible things that I did which led me to where I am now.  She does not deserve that."

"She does not deserve to be left wondering why you bolted from her house without an explanation.  She does not deserve to be tormented with the thought that she did something wrong to cause you to avoid her. "

They sat in silence for several seconds.  Minerva set down her cup and stared into his eyes.

"You love her, Severus."  

He did not need to answer.  Minerva knew what was obvious.

"Speak to her, Severus.  Tell her everything.  Not all at once—that would be too much."

"What if she doesn't want to see me?  What if she does not forgive me?"

"Severus, if she loves you she will listen and she will forgive you.   It is unusual for someone to find true love twice in a lifetime.  However, you are certainly a man who has defied the odds more than once."

"I have to leave now, Severus.  Show me your neck."

His neck!  He had not thought about it in the past hour.  He was no longer experiencing the searing, throbbing pain.  He undid his scarf and carefully touched the scars with his fingers.  They were no longer swollen.  Minerva smiled gently.

"I believe that it was not only the snake venom that needed purging.  Come visit me next week, Severus.  I missed talking to you.  I would also like to meet Evelyn—soon."  She gathered up her cloak and left him with his thoughts.

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Part IV:  2002 Severus is Forty-one, Evelyn is almost Thirty-nine

"Can I look now, Severus?"  Evelyn teasingly began to pull the blindfold up from her eyes.

"Not yet!  Here, take my arm."  Evelyn groped and found the crook of his elbow.  He guided her outside.  She could feel the warm spring air and smelled lilacs.  She had planted the bush last spring when Severus had remarked that nothing beautiful ever grew or flourished in Spinner's End.  The certainty and finality of his remark had annoyed and intrigued her.  Planting the bush had been an act of defiance and curiousness.  Evelyn wanted to see if anything would or could grow in the hard, rocky soil.  She wanted the plant to grow,  and not just to prove him wrong.  


The bush had not only grown, it seemed to double in size, making one month seem like two. The lilacs bloomed later than they should have, in July for their wedding.  Severus had sworn that he had nothing to do with that, and Evelyn believed him.  She never taunted him with "I told you so."  She did not have to do that.  He never said a word about the bush, but he would often bring a lawn chair outside and sit reading next to it.  When it was in full bloom Evelyn would gather flowers and set them in glass vases around the house.  She dried the petals and made sachets.  The scent of the flowers was always in their home, even after the flowers had died.

"Here we are."  Severus removed the scarf from her eyes.  The night was clear, for Spinner's End, and Evelyn could make out some stars in the grayish-black sky.  Next to the lilac bush was a wrought iron table, similar to the ones that they had seen in the cafes in Paris.  Two chairs, a bottle of wine, two glasses and—a gramophone?

Evelyn turned to her husband, pleased, surprised and puzzled.  He was not a romantic man.  Gifts for birthdays and anniversaries were beautiful, but practical.  He had never surprised her with flowers or jewelry—he showed his love and appreciation in quieter, subtler ways.  

"Is that a gramophone, Severus?  How did you come by such a wonderful antique?"  She placed her hands on his shoulders and gave him a deep kiss.  "So, are you going to tell me the reason for this little date al fresco?"

"I found this gramophone in a Diagon Alley shop.  A classmate of mine had one when I was at Hogwarts and I thought that it was perfect for tonight."  He poured the wine as Evelyn went to inspect the stack of forty-fives that were next to the player.

"Severus, these records don't have any labels!"

"I know."  He offered her a glass of wine.  "Evelyn, it was three years ago when you told me that your life was like a Beatles album.  I didn't know what you meant.  I thought at the time that it was a very trite, naïve thing to say."

He sipped his wine and set down the glass.  He took his wife's hand and brushed a lock of hair from her face.

"I thought differently about a lot of things back then.  I didn't want to trust anyone.  I didn't want to love anyone.  I certainly didn't want to forgive anyone.   You made me realize that I could do all of those things.  It all started that night that you played the Beatles.   I realized the meaning in your words after you took me back after I had behaved so badly.  How you forgave me and gave me another chance.  You believed me.  You loved me.  You understood me."

"They must have known all of those things, too." Severus gestured at the pile of records.  "You cannot write songs like that unless you experience true love, happiness, shame, anger, regret, death and forgiveness.  It's all there.  Even magic."

Severus stared up at the stars in the sky.  Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.  The thought of the song no longer filled him with sadness.

"Choose a record, Evelyn."

Evelyn walked over to the records and chose the one on the top.  She put it on the turntable and cranked up the gramophone.  Would it be a love song?  A sing-along?  A wistful song of lost love?  A song of anger or forgiveness?  A song of magical images?  It didn't matter—all of the songs were now their songs.

"I will always remember this song, whatever it may be, as our special song," she thought as she lowered the needle onto the record.

I give her all my love/That's all I do
And if you saw my love/You'd love her too.
I love her.

She gives me everything/And tenderly
The kiss my lover brings/She brings to me.
And I love her.

A love like ours/Could never die
As long as I/Have you near me.

Bright are the stars that shine/Dark is the sky
I know this love of mine/Will never die.
And I love her.